Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
