Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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