I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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