Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
