so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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