he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
