Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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