I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
