walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
