Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
