umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
