I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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