He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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