tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I will pee on everything he values.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
