That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
