really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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