I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My bed smells like the plague
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
