I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
