All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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