I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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