I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
