i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
