Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
