why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
