he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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