did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
