i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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