i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
