I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
