I wish my penis had an off switch
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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