wrigley field is MILF paradise
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
