This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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