Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
