i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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