It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize