you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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