Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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