There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
