Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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