I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
