You can't special order awesome
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
