i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
