I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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