Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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