just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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