i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
