Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i need some magic done to my vagina
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
