Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
