He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
