Jerry, you need to find god
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
