He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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