Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
