The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize