Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
