Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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