That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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